On Perfectionism
Written and published originally for the Grief and Trauma Healing Centre, January 2024
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is often seen as a personality trait, but it’s much more complex than that. It can be a deeply ingrained style of thinking, a relational style, or a way of making sense of the world. At its core, perfectionism is driven by an individual’s desire to achieve excellence and avoid failure at all costs. While striving for high standards can sometimes lead to success, perfectionistic tendencies often bring about more stress, frustration, and dissatisfaction than satisfaction.
For many, perfectionism leads to worry, rumination, procrastination, and strained relationships, as well as constant feelings of inadequacy. Despite these challenges, perfectionism has steadily increased in society over the last few decades, and many people—perhaps even you—struggle with the pressures of achieving unrealistic standards. But what factors contribute to perfectionism, and how can we work with it instead of letting it control our lives?
In this blog, we’ll explore the development of perfectionism, how it presents itself in different people, and practical steps you can take to address perfectionistic tendencies. By understanding perfectionism, you can learn to manage it, reduce the associated stress, and cultivate healthier, more flexible approaches to life.
The Development of Perfectionism
Perfectionism often originates as a coping mechanism to deal with fear, vulnerability, or past trauma. At its root, perfectionism is an attempt to create safety. Many perfectionists report that their desire to be perfect stems from early experiences with abandonment, rejection, criticism, or lack of control in their lives. These feelings—whether they come from parents, peers, or societal messages—can shape an individual’s sense of self-worth and lead them to believe that the only way to be valued or accepted is by being perfect.
For example, a child who experiences academic or athletic criticism may develop perfectionistic tendencies as a way to avoid rejection or criticism in the future. These early life experiences can lead to feelings of low self-esteem and a powerful desire to belong. Over time, these feelings can evolve into perfectionism—what starts as an adaptive response to emotional pain becomes an entrenched pattern that causes even more distress, isolation, and insecurity.
The Presentation of Perfectionism
Perfectionism can manifest in many different ways, making it a deeply individual experience. While some people may experience perfectionism predominantly in their personal life, others may primarily struggle with perfectionistic tendencies in their professional life. Generally, perfectionism can be categorized into three distinct styles: self-oriented perfectionism, other-oriented perfectionism, and socially prescribed perfectionism.
1. Self-Oriented Perfectionism
This style is characterized by internal pressures to achieve personal excellence. Individuals with self-oriented perfectionism often have extremely high standards for themselves and may feel like they are never good enough no matter how much they accomplish. They may struggle with self-criticism and shame, leading them to push themselves beyond their limits in order to avoid feeling like a failure. For these individuals, the fear of imperfection often leads to worry and procrastination.
2. Other-Oriented Perfectionism
In contrast, individuals with other-oriented perfectionism project their perfectionistic tendencies onto those around them. They have high expectations for others—such as family members, friends, colleagues, or even public figures—and struggle when others don’t meet their standards. These individuals often have difficulty separating themselves from others, experiencing vicarious success or failure through others. This can lead to strain in relationships, as the perfectionist may struggle with setting boundaries or accepting others’ flaws.
3. Socially Prescribed Perfectionism
Socially prescribed perfectionism refers to the desire to meet the expectations and standards set by others—whether those standards come from family, work, or society. This style often stems from a deep desire for acceptance and belonging, and individuals with socially prescribed perfectionism may push themselves to meet others' expectations at the expense of their own well-being. This perfectionism can be particularly pervasive in today’s culture, where social media and societal pressures promote the idea that only perfection is valued.
The Psychological and Physical Impact of Perfectionism
While perfectionism can often lead to a sense of accomplishment and external validation, the costs of perfectionism are significant. Research shows that perfectionism is linked to a wide range of psychological symptoms, physical health problems, and relationship difficulties. Here are just a few ways perfectionism can impact your life:
1. Anxiety and Stress
Perfectionism places immense pressure on individuals, leading to chronic stress and anxiety. The constant drive to meet high standards, combined with the fear of failure, creates a constant state of tension that can feel overwhelming. Over time, this can lead to burnout, depression, and emotional exhaustion.
2. Procrastination
Ironically, perfectionism can actually lead to procrastination. When perfectionists fear not being able to complete a task perfectly, they may delay starting it altogether. This procrastination can create feelings of guilt, shame, and self-doubt, as perfectionists struggle with their inability to meet their own high expectations.
3. Physical Health Issues
The constant stress of perfectionism doesn’t just affect the mind; it can also take a toll on the body. Perfectionists often experience symptoms such as muscle tension, headaches, fatigue, and sleep disturbances. Chronic stress can also contribute to heart disease, digestive issues, and other health problems.
4. Strained Relationships
Perfectionism can also strain relationships, especially for those with other-oriented or socially prescribed perfectionism. When perfectionists project their high expectations onto others, it can lead to frustration, resentment, and conflict. Additionally, perfectionists may struggle with accepting others’ flaws, which can make it difficult to form close, authentic relationships.
How to Work with Perfectionistic Tendencies
Recognizing that you have perfectionistic tendencies is the first step toward breaking free from them. Working with perfectionism requires acknowledging where these tendencies originate, identifying patterns, and taking concrete steps to shift your approach to life. Here are a few strategies you can use to work with perfectionism and cultivate greater flexibility and self-compassion:
1. Identify the Purpose of Your Perfectionism
The first step is to understand why perfectionism developed in the first place. Ask yourself:
Where in your life does perfectionism seem to show up the most?
What situations trigger your perfectionistic tendencies?
How does perfectionism help you feel more in control or safer?
By identifying the underlying purpose of your perfectionism, you can begin to understand how it may have once served you and how it may now be hindering your growth. Recognizing that perfectionism is a defense mechanism can help you shift your mindset and approach it with more self-compassion.
2. Embrace “Good Enough”
One of the most effective ways to combat perfectionism is to embrace the concept of “good enough.” Instead of striving for perfection in every area of your life, ask yourself:
Is this situation worth my full effort, or is it okay to do this at 80%?
How much will this matter in five days, a month, or five years?
Learning to prioritize what matters most and allowing yourself to be “good enough” in less important areas can reduce the anxiety and stress that perfectionism creates. This shift can help you create more balance and flexibility in your life, reducing the pressure to be perfect in every situation.
3. Reframe Failure as Growth
Perfectionism often stems from a fear of failure. However, reframing failure as an opportunity for growth can help reduce the power perfectionism has over you. Instead of focusing on how things went wrong, focus on the lessons learned and the progress made. Celebrate small wins and acknowledge the effort, not just the outcome.
4. Practice Self-Compassion
Perfectionists tend to be their own harshest critics. Practicing self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and patience that you would offer a friend. When you make a mistake or fall short of your expectations, remind yourself that it's okay to be imperfect. Allow yourself to learn from the experience rather than criticize yourself.
When to Seek Professional Support for Perfectionism
If perfectionism is causing significant distress in your life—whether through anxiety, procrastination, physical health issues, or relationship problems—it may be time to seek support from a therapist, such as myself. Therapy can help you explore the root causes of your perfectionism, identify patterns, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.
A therapist can also help you work with perfectionism in a compassionate and nonjudgmental way, supporting you as you shift from self-criticism to self-compassion. Through therapies like Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, somatic therapy, and mindfulness, a therapist can guide you in creating lasting changes that allow you to live a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Moving Beyond Perfectionism
Perfectionism can be a heavy burden to carry, but it’s possible to move beyond it. By understanding how perfectionism develops, recognizing its negative impact, and taking steps to shift your mindset, you can start to break free from its grip. Embracing self-compassion, flexibility, and the principle of “good enough” can help you reduce stress, improve relationships, and lead a more balanced life.
Remember, perfectionism is often rooted in an attempt to protect yourself, but by learning to approach life with greater self-compassion, you can find peace and freedom in embracing imperfection.
Want to dive deeper into perfectionism recovery with me? Click here to ask me any questions or book a session!
References and Further Reading:
Dunkley, D. M., Blankstein, K. R., Halsall, J., Williams, M., & Winkworth, G. (2000). Perfectionism, coping, and emotional adjustment. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 47(4), 437–453. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-0167.47.4.437
Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (Eds.). (2002). Perfectionism: Theory, Research, and Treatment. American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/10458-000
Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (2002). Perfectionism and maladjustment: An overview of theoretical, definitional, and treatment issues. In G. L. Flett & P. L. Hewitt (Eds.), Perfectionism: Theory, Research, and Treatment (pp. 5–31). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/10458-001
Larijani, R., & Besharat, M. A. (2010). Perfectionism and coping styles with stress. Procedia - Social and Behavioral Sciences, 5, 623–627. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sbspro.2010.07.157
Vicent, M., & Zysberg, L. (2022). Academic perfectionism, psychological well-being, and suicidal ideation in college students. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 981969. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.981969
Zhong, C., & Wang, K. (2022). Perfectionism and mental health problems. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 912526. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.912526
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