Remapping the Grieving Brain
Written and published originally for the Grief and Trauma Healing Centre, September 2023
Grief has a way of showing up when we least expect it, and sometimes, it arrives with a powerful lesson. As I prepared to begin my internship at the beginning of my career, I was unexpectedly thrust into deep personal grief when my dog suddenly passed away from an aneurysm in July. The timing felt almost like a cosmic joke. I had been preparing to help others with their grief, having worked through much of my own in the past. Yet, as I navigated this new wave of grief, I couldn't help but feel that my dog’s passing was a profound gift—a chance to experience grief on a deeply personal level while connecting it with recent neurological findings I had learned.
Through this experience, I was able to connect the neuroscientific understanding of grief to my own personal journey and deepen my practice of supporting others. In this blog, I’ll explore what happens in the brain during grief, how grief rituals can help remap our emotional responses, and practical steps to support your grieving process.
The Grieving Brain: A Neurological Perspective
Grief is often described as a deeply emotional experience, but recent research has revealed that grief is not only an emotional process—it’s a neurological one as well. Neuroscientist Mary Frances O’Connor, a leading expert in grief at the University of Arizona, has conducted research that sheds light on the neurological mechanisms that occur when we experience loss. According to O’Connor’s research, grief is a state of motivation, not just a yearning for the person or thing we’ve lost, but a craving for the familiarity of the attachment we had with it.
When we grieve, the brain is not only engaged in emotional processing but also activates regions related to motivation, craving, and pursuit—the same brain areas that are associated with physical pain. This means that, in many ways, grief feels like a literal pain. We don’t just feel sad or heartbroken; we often experience a sense of deep, physical discomfort or aching when confronted with the reality of the loss.
For example, I personally felt an overwhelming physical discomfort during my dog’s passing. The empty space he left in my daily life was far more than emotional—it was palpable in my body. His absence was not just a void I experienced emotionally, but one that manifested physically as well, as I longed for the routine we had shared. The simple act of going home to an empty house was too painful. It was in these moments that I realized grief’s effect on my brain and body was far more complex than I had ever imagined.
The Mental Map of Attachment and Grief
To understand why grief feels so disorienting and painful, it’s essential to explore the concept of the mental map of attachment. According to O’Connor, the brain’s hippocampus, which is responsible for memory formation, plays a key role in how we experience grief. This part of the brain helps us create a mental map of our relationships and experiences. Our brain’s coordination system (also known as the entorhinal cortex) creates “place cells” that expect certain experiences and interactions to occur based on prior memories.
When someone or something we are deeply attached to is no longer present, these place cells don’t find what they’re looking for, triggering the trace cells that cause feelings of confusion, discomfort, and disorientation. This mismatch between what was and what is creates the intense feelings of loss and pain that we experience during grief. Essentially, grief is a disorienting event for the brain that tries to reconcile the predictive map based on our memories with the reality of what has changed. This cognitive dissonance between memory and present reality is what makes grief feel so overwhelming and difficult to navigate.
How to Work with the Grieving Brain
Given that grief deeply impacts the brain and body, it’s essential to adopt approaches that help remap our responses to loss. O’Connor suggests that it’s crucial to allow ourselves a dedicated time to deeply feel the loss, while simultaneously creating new ways of relating to it. This process helps the brain reconcile its attachment to the loss and find ways to adapt in the present. A central aspect of this work is what O’Connor calls “grief rituals”—intentional, structured actions that help us process grief in a healthy way.
Grief rituals are actions that are distinct from everyday activities, providing a space for grief to be expressed and processed. These rituals can take many forms—symbolic, bodily, imaginative, or communal—but they all serve the purpose of making grief tangible and contained. Importantly, these rituals help the brain consolidate memories of the lost attachment, while creating new emotional responses to the present reality.
Types of Grief Rituals
Grief rituals are powerful tools for helping the brain process grief and create new ways of relating to loss. There are three primary types of grief rituals:
1. Honoring Rituals
Honoring rituals are actions that recognize and acknowledge the importance of the loss. These rituals allow individuals to pay tribute to the person or thing they’ve lost and honor their memory. Examples of honoring rituals include:
Holding a memorial service or ceremony
Visiting a grave or place of significance to the deceased
Lighting a candle or setting up a dedicated space to remember the loved one
2. Letting Go Rituals
Letting go rituals are designed to help individuals release attachment to the past and accept the reality of their loss. These rituals allow individuals to symbolically let go of the old mental maps they have been holding onto. Examples include:
Writing a letter to the deceased or to the memory of the loss
Creating artwork that symbolizes the release of grief
Performing symbolic actions like scattering ashes or releasing balloons
3. Self-Transformation Rituals
Self-transformation rituals are designed to help individuals process grief in ways that foster healing and growth. These rituals focus on integrating the loss into the individual’s life and creating space for transformation. Examples of self-transformation rituals include:
Practicing mindfulness or meditation to cultivate acceptance and presence with grief
Engaging in creative expression, such as dance or journaling
Creating a new routine or ritual that supports self-care and healing
The Power of Writing in Grief Rituals
One powerful form of grief ritual is letter writing. In a study conducted by O’Connor, participants were asked to write about their grief or write letters directly to their loss. This method was compared to a control group that wrote about their day without addressing grief. The results showed that those who connected to their grief and loss through writing were better able to regulate their breathing, emotions, and bodily state two months later.
Writing letters or journaling about grief allows us to externalize our emotions and create a new relationship with the loss. This practice helps our brain make sense of the grief, process it, and ultimately let go of the need for the loss to return. It can also serve as a safe and nonjudgmental space to express difficult emotions, which promotes healing.
Embracing the Duality of Grief
Grief is a paradoxical experience. It brings deep pain, but it also holds the potential for immense love and gratitude. After experiencing the waves of grief over the summer, I found that embracing this duality—the heaviness of loss and the lightness of joy—allowed me to heal. By creating a dedicated space to honor my dog’s memory, including setting aside a place for his ashes and writing love letters to him, I was able to process my grief in a tangible way. But as I began to make space for my grief, I also began to make room for the joy and gratitude that our time together had brought me.
This experience taught me that grief does not have to be about letting go of love. Instead, it’s about finding new ways to carry that love forward and make peace with the changes grief brings. As I welcomed my new puppy, Rumi, into my life, I carried the lessons of grief with me, knowing that it was part of the ongoing process of opening my heart, as Rumi the poet once said: “You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens.”
Supporting Your Grief Journey
Grief is deeply personal, and everyone’s experience is unique. However, through understanding how grief impacts the brain and engaging in grief rituals, we can begin to work with our grief in a way that fosters healing. Allow yourself the space and time to feel deeply, and remember that grief is a journey—not a destination.
If you are struggling with your grief, seeking support from a therapist who specializes in grief and trauma can help you navigate this complex process. A trained therapist can help you create personalized grief rituals, process your emotions, and find new ways to honor and integrate your loss.
Healing Through Grief
Grief is one of the most challenging human experiences, but it is also one of the most transformative. By understanding the neuroscience behind grief, engaging in meaningful rituals, and embracing both the pain and love that comes with loss, we can begin to heal and create new ways to relate to the memory of what we’ve lost. Remember, grief is not a sign of weakness—it is a reflection of how deeply we have loved. By making space for grief and honoring it with love and compassion, we can heal, grow, and move forward with open hearts.
Want to dive deeper into grief work with me? Click here to ask me any questions or book a session!
References and Further Reading:
Baker, J., & McHale, S. (2020). Ritual in therapy for prolonged grief: A scoping review of ritual elements in evidence-informed grief interventions. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 1232. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01232
Gauthier, S., & Marshall, S. (2024). The nature of grief: Implications for the neurobiology of emotion. Neuroscience of Consciousness, 2024(1), niaa041. https://doi.org/10.1093/nc/niaa041
Gündel, H., O'Connor, M.-F., Littrell, L., Fort, C., & Lane, R. D. (2003). Functional neuroanatomy of grief: An fMRI study. American Journal of Psychiatry, 160(11), 1946–1953. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.160.11.1946
O'Connor, M.-F. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. HarperOne.
O'Connor, M.-F. (2024). The nature of grief: Implications for the neurobiology of emotion. Neuroscience of Consciousness, 2024(1), niaa041. https://doi.org/10.1093/nc/niaa041
O'Connor, M.-F., Irwin, M. R., & Wellisch, D. K. (2009). When grief heats up: Pro-inflammatory cytokines predict regional brain activation. NeuroImage, 47(3), 891–896. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2009.05.049
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